Disassociation and Fantasy: Your Dreams by Thomas Moore
Thomas Moore's latest novel is amazing and devastating
“I used to pretend that dreams were the real world and the real world was a dream. You’re alive in mine, so maybe I could be in yours? Has anyone ever dreamt of me?”
The unnamed narrator of Your Dreams, the latest novel by Thomas Moore, visits an old friend named John, who we also find out was an early sexual partner of his, in New York City. During his visit, he finds himself avoiding John as much as possible. Eventually, it’s revealed that he’s visiting John because this long-time friend has recently been arrested for possession of child pornography. Not long after leaving, John commits suicide, leaving the narrator to process the death of his old friend and the tarnishing of his memory through his repulsive actions.
The central theme of the book is disassociation and how it’s used as a coping mechanism. Though the novel never uses that specific word, it’s clear from the beginning it’s a common tool the narrator uses to get themselves through the day. When riding in an Uber in New York, he tells the driver a lie that he used to live in the city because “a fake version of me feels more comfortable right now.” This only goes so far, though, as the driver can clearly tell something is wrong with him.
This continues when he finally meets with John. While the narrator is forced to be painfully in the moment with discussing John’s arrest, John tries to dissociate from his crime by throwing out justifications. The children in the photos aren’t being forced, he never touched anyone, he had sexual fantasies as a child, and so forth. The narrator is having none of it and leaves John with no further contact after. Despite the blasé attitude he showed during the conversation, John commits suicide only a couple days later. The narrator, as he states, leaves others to put things back together so he can for himself.
In his efforts to come to terms with what’s happened to him, the narrator ponders at length about his relationship to his body. He discusses how he views his body as being barely there, nothing but an abstraction. This isn’t due to any kind of dysphoria or self-loathing, but rather that it’s less painful to live as something not concrete and as something observing rather than living in the world.
This extends to sexual fantasies as well. The narrator discusses how, as they grew into sexual maturity, their gaze and imagination brought their own body into it as little as possible. He recounts a particular case where, as a teenager, he used a gay hook up phone line to get off to listening to others fantasizing. The one time he attempted to hook up with an adult man, it brought him out of the fantasy, into the moment, and completely turned him off. It’s clear he had not learned to disassociate enough during the actual act to engage in it. It also puts into perspective his view of John and his crimes.
The book itself could be said to go deeper into dissociation in the narrative as it progresses. The later chapters move away from the narrator's introspection. Instead, the narrator discusses sexual fantasies with his friends, both man and woman, and gay and straight. In one chapter, he talks about a woman friend’s extreme, cartoonish fantasy of being fucked by several robot wolves and even watching the online animation it came from. Despite being humorous to the narrator, he can see how turned on his friend is by it. While not as direct an alienation from sex as the narrator has, it’s certainly there. Fantasizing about an extreme and impossible form of sex that couldn’t be acted out in real life.
Later the narrator again discusses fantasies at a party with several friends. When one of his woman friends brings up she has rape fantasies, another gay male friend shuts her down, saying it isn’t okay to talk about it. This same friend later texts the narrator fantasies about what he wants to do with him while high on cocaine, despite the fact he’s in a monogamous relationship with his boyfriend. The narrator masturbates to the texts and literally washes his hands of the situation in the shower, while the friend continues to send texts begging him not to tell his boyfriend about this. Here, two parties are engaging sexually in the most detached of ways and still further need to detach themselves through pretending it never even happened.
In the penultimate chapter, the narrative gives way to Thomas Moore engaging with his own work in an incredibly self-deprecating manner. It’s a self-conscious attempt at disassociating himself and his readers from the work by insulting his work as bitter, selfish, unkind, and a phony attempt at being transgressive or experimental. In most other contexts this would appear to be attempting to disarm criticism and thus betraying a lack of confidence in his work. While I can’t speak to exactly what Thomas Moore the writer was thinking, he seems aware of that and so included this to show the alienation from his own work that he struggles with.
The final chapter is a simple, painfully direct plea that could be from the narrator, from Thomas Moore as Thomas Moore the writer sees him, or Thomas Moore the writer himself, if there could even be said to be any distinction.
“I love you. Please, no matter what – never give up on me.”
Your Dreams is an incredibly amazing and devastating work. It explores trauma and coping mechanisms in a painfully real and honest way. It looks at the distance between people’s fantasies and reality with incredible empathy. It even examines itself as a piece of fiction in a unique way that doesn’t feel like a postmodern gimmick at all. Thomas Moore again proves himself as one of the best writers today. I can think of no other author who explores pain, desire, love, and loneliness as vividly as he does.
Get Your Dreams by Thomas Moore from Amphetamine Sulphate